Wednesday morning I was really
" Letter of NON-acceptance"
This year , because of so many applicants and only 23,000 spots for qualified runners, the cut off time was extravagant. Any other year I would have been in but for 2018 runners must have run 3 minutes and 32 seconds FASTER than the required qualifying time. I missed it by an entire minute! 5,000 qualified runners were not accepted for 2018.
I won't lie, in that moment I was devastated. Complete defeat and shock. The sacrifice of this training season was not just my sacrifice but my families and my friends. I was given standards and by the grace of God surpassed those but yet still was not enough. In that moment confusion consumed me. Here I boast about distance running being my peace with the creator, my calm , my time of ultimate quiet and prayer but let anger consume me because of selfish desires.
Throughout the past few months I have had a theme of identity ringing in my soul. I've had countless conversations with friends about exactly this. When we put labels on ourselves - Wife, Soldier, Runner, Writer, Cook, Gardener, Musician, etc- we are forgetting how easily they can be taken away.
Even the strongest marriages can end in divorce.
A Singer could lose their voice.
A writer can lose inspiration.
A runner can have heart failure.
A War hero can be medically discharged from the military with no career path in place.
Nothing is promised in this life!
And what are we left with when our identity fails us? We are left empty . We are left feeling broken.
Thankfully there is ONE title and one identity that is unfailing - being the son/daughter of the creator of the universe. We were all made in his perfect image and have been given life to do incredible things , things that we may not even be aware of. Maybe even things that have nothing to do with the identity we have built around ourselves! Yes I call myself a runner and YES I was proud to add the title " Boston Marathoner" to that identity I've built but in reality it would never have defined me anyways. I'm made for immeasurably more than the 26.2 miles from Hopkinton to Boylston street and in that I find peace.
After this realization the logistics started flooding in. This means goodbye to the stress over training for a spring Marathon in -40 degree Fairbanks temperatures ! The Army has my husband in the spring which meant struggling to get a Grandparent to come stay here for several days with the kiddos for me to travel alone to Boston ... again NOT easy. Beyond all of that I would be traveling from Alaska and have no loved ones to share this once in a lifetime day with. The hidden blessings in this NON acceptance started slowly pouring in with complete understanding.
Then Friday everything changed.
In 2012 I ran my first marathon. The year prior I had finished the Soldier half marathon in Columbus Georgia which immediately became a favorite because of it's beautiful weather, quick course, military appreciation, and mostly because you run for fallen heroes. At the time I didn't know any soldiers that lost their lives at war so I put a name on my bib belonging to a neighbors' friend . It really meant something to run that day for someone that no longer could . ( Yes I was 24 weeks pregnant incase you're thinking WOW you sure ate a lot of cupcakes back then... well that's true too )
2011
Can we also take a moment to acknowledge my photo editing. I hope that it's come a long way from this. Also the days of ALL the instagram filters!
In June of the following year a friend lost her husband in the first helicopter crash after our husbands' graduated from flight school in Alabama. Our community was and continues to be broken over it along with several tragic crashes shortly after . Mat Fazzari left behind a beautiful wife, two boys, and a solid foundation of family members in Washington. In moments like that there are no words or actions that are ever enough but to me the only thing I could do was return to the race and run for him, run for all of them. That year a half marathon wasn't enough it had to be the full even if it meant training during my husbands's deployment . As many of his friends and family that could make it came out to Georgia and ran that day as well including his wife, kids, parents, and former military leaders . There are exactly zero words to describe the emotions and heart poured out by all that day but it is one that will live in my heart forever.
( Top right picture with Kristen... how cool is it that she now lives right here in Fairbanks with us?! )
It became my mission to run every single year after that, even if I never ran another marathon I would always run soldiers. A couple years it took a plane trip from Arizona, some years a short drive from our home in Alabama, and once a forced Virtual race day when I just couldn't swing childcare to go. The starting line has been shared with military spouse sisters, some of my best friends, my husband, my kids, and even one of my now dearest running friends 3 years before we even met all the way in Alaska ! Shortly after meeting and talking race stories I looked up the results and realized we finished in 2013 just seconds apart. In the photo below Katie was probably crossing the finish line !
2013
2014
2015 (Virtual race )
Last Friday they announced this would be the final year of the Soldier Marathon. Again my heart shattered. I understood from behind the scenes why it couldn't continue as a volunteer run event but still.. NO ! Within an hour , without question, my husband had booked our tickets to Atlanta . Traveling from Alaska is no easy trip but for us it's worth it. My Mom is so awesomely able to fly up to spend the weekend with her Grandkids and we are heading to GEORGIA together! Flights books- race registered-on our way November 16. As a military couple we don't ever get even a night away so the fact that every detail about this weekend fell into place is nothing but a Godsend . Can I just say that it takes a VERY AMAZING husband to understand the importance of this and joyfully experience this with me, I mean we could probably fly to Hawaii easier but we're going to Columbus Georgia on our weekend getaway so I can run a marathon ;) He loves me as much as I do him.
Had Boston worked out like I planned none of this would be possible. We couldn't afford plane tickets if I was flying to Boston in the spring, my Mom couldn't come this fall if she was possibly going to help us out in the spring. I wouldn't even be able to leave my sweet kiddos to be honest if I knew I was leaving them again in a few months! Thanks to that qualifier in August and the Equinox marathon last month I am just going to hop back into a couple weeks of re-training and be good to go. Every single step of this training season was planned in a way I couldn't even see in the blinding of my own selfish plans , but alas they all turned out GOOD and better than my own.
ALSO I can't leave out that a sweet military spouse friend of mine here in Fairbanks just happens to be the daughter of the owners of Big Dog Running Company who just HAPPENS to have sponsored and helped organize the event since day one. Our paths crossed every single year but weren't lead together until living in Alaska of all places where we get to run alongside each other- ok she flew by me in the Equinox marathon so not exactly alongside - and serve on a board of spouses together too! You can't make this good stuff up guys.
God is good friends... all the time . He is good.
-B
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