Ending of a season

A common phrase you hear today is this idea of "seasons. " Maybe it's just the christian culture since it's something that's still fairly new to me to be honest, but every time someone mentions a challenging situation an almost guaranteed response is " It's just the season of life right now..." So I'm trying not to be light on this phrase BUT I really have felt the past two weeks have been the end of a real season of life in so many ways.

Over the past 6 years the makeup of me has been slowly transforming. I went from not even knowing who Jesus was ( REALLY ) to throwing my all into a relationship with him and his people . As I look back over these years of parenting littles, moves, deployments, etc. I can clearly see how he has been working on my heart through so many unique ways. Picking up a camera was one of them for sure, it's the reason this space is called BELIEVE studio and not " Brittany T Photography" because it was never supposed to be that. It was always a way to share his work with others and for a little while that meant photographing anyone and everything that came in my path- it's going to look a lot different in the future once I get balanced on two feet.  Over that time he has carried me from a " can't run a mile" 20-something to a first time marathoner as a mother of two  to a TWO time Boston qualifying marathoner and mother of 3! I have encountered some of the deepest and most life giving friendships in that time and learned to let go of others that were hurtful and life draining. The journey of motherhood hasn't been easy either but it has been beautiful and as I tucked my big boys in tonight and we said prayers I was in tears at their grateful and growing hearts.

Two seasons are really changing for me and I want to talk about both here but for tonight I want to focus on running ( you're shocked right!?! )

If you're friends with me personally, which pretty much anyone taking the time to read this is, you know that I recently ran the Soldier Marathon which is my favorite race. There were so many layers to this year it's a little difficult to unpack to be honest... this is why I haven't sat down to write! But I will try.

  The first time I ran this course was with one of my favorite people and dear friend while we lived in Alabama. We ran the half marathon together and it was my first half marathon pregnant as I was 23 weeks along with kiddo #2! The following year I felt lead to my first full marathon in honor of the families of recent fallen aviators we knew from flight school. My heart broke, is still broken, for them and it's literally the only thing I could think to do that year. Training during a deployment with two babies wasn't easy but I felt it 100% necessary. Each year whenever we could make it to this race we did because year after year we had more people to honor and more reason to run.

When we moved to Alaska I heard about this group of Moms that worked out together that was starting up so of course I had to check it out. At this point I had been running almost daily with a double stroller for 5 years only acquiring a couple mother runner friends along the way .I met the soon-to-be owner and we quickly chatted running adventures realizing that in 2014 we both ran the Soldier half marathon. Long story short we not only both ran it but we finished within seconds of each other along with her best running friend ( who I actually ended up running with THIS year ) I'm sure God looks back at that and just giggles. It's hilarious that he totally knows what he's doing and just takes his sweet time to show us. So here we are in Alaska in 2016 and this group of Moms becomes my people. That same Mom asked me to do photography work ( insert another AHA moment on the big picture ) for this business she was starting here Stroller Strong Moms Fairbanks. It's a nationwide organization she was part of in Georgia and was fearlessly bringing this community to a town she just KNEW needed it. Boy was she right! My answer was of course yes and since day one I have loved working out with these ladies but more importantly just doing this Mom life with them! There is a bond formed when you sweat with others that can't be recreated. Watching these women set goals and crush them, run first half marathons, lift heavy things, raise kind kiddos, give orphans a forever home, transform their own lives, etc. it's just truly changed me. Without it I would have never been motivated to tackle the year I just did.

We set a goal on one of the last stroller strong classes of 2016 . It was real cold and too many feet of snow for any normal person in the lower 48. I think 4 of us showed up and 3 of them had to push my van out of the deep snow that day. But that day to just those few Mamas I first said " I want to qualify for Boston. "

( skip this section if you're SO TIRED of hearing about my toes. I know me too. )

Fast forward to January 2nd. Two of my toes had started turning grey after a long winter run  and had slowly lost all feeling and turned black over a weeks time so I - against my will- went back to the hospital just to be safe. Immediately panic went across all of the medical staff as they brought everyone in to " TAKE A LOOK!" They informed me that I needed to be prepared to loose 2 possibly 3 of my toes and booked me with the surgeon the following day. I was placed in a boot and crutches. This was very practical with my husband leaving the next day for training and a 6 month old that needed carried everywhere! Thankfully the surgeon wanted to wait a week and see how keeping pressure off of it helped. As I was obviously forced out of any running I decided to use our gym's pool while the kiddos played at the childcare, I couldn't run so swimming was the next best endurance activity. It felt so great to move in that pool and just work out all of the negative thoughts that had filled my head during that time. The real healing, however, came when I got out of that pool. The black layers of skin literally just began pealing off and underneath were perfectly healthy fresh toes with no damage. I sobbed and sobbed, texted everyone I knew the pictures, and couldn't explain it any way besides holy healing water! Each day I returned and swam more laps before removing more and more dead tissue. A week later I returned to that same surgeon when he wanted to schedule possible amputation . He removed my boot off and was in complete shock. Before I knew it all of the same medical staff surrounded me and no one had any explanation for what they saw... perfectly healthy TOES!  I walked out of there without crutches, a boot, or any follow up appointments.

I remember feeling like God told me in that moment, TRUST me. Give me what you have this year and trust me. So I did. I mean he gave me a second shot with my toes how could I not?

I took a huge leap and stepped into women's ministry this spring using the gifts given to me with design and photography. It hasn't been easy but I've trusted him and he has transformed my heart 100% through this.

Once the snow started melting I got foot to pavement again. I found a race to qualify for, trained throughout the summer and - by his grace -did it! You can read my last post all about that. During that training I found God in every mile. I saw his glory in the early sunrises, his people surrounded me through community, I found a new love for podcasts to listen to on training runs that pointed me directly to his word. My simple act of running wasn't about being faster or better than anyone else it was about glorifying God and just trusting him in the process. When submitting this season to the lord it truly became effortless.

" but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
August I ran my first Boston Qualifying marathon in 3:32:34 in Anchorage Alaska.

September I finished ( ran is an overstatement ) the Equinox Trail marathon here in Fairbanks- one of the most challenging courses in the world- in 4:39:49. By far one of my favorite runs yet because of the people and incredible course.

November I ran my second Boston Qualifier at the Soldier marathon in Columbus Georgia - according to my GPS watch in 3:32:01 but their course distance was off .3 mile and clocked it in at about 3:34 . Finished the final year of this race on the podium with a first place in my age group. By far the most proud moments of my running career... I doubt anything will beat that for me to be honest.

Those last 26.2 miles around Fort Benning Georgia really changed my thoughts.  I realized  that this running thing has nothing to do with running but has everything to do with God's purpose for my life. He wanted to show me that YES when I trust him I can do big things but reaching these running goals are just the tip of the iceberg . It's just a small peak at his faithfulness in what is ahead in this journey through life.   As I ran that course and was missing my kiddos back home in Alaska I realized that I never want to run the Boston Marathon until they can all be there celebrating with me ! Why spend all that money and effort to get to this once-in-a-lifetimg ( ok maybe a couple times for some) but without my support team by my side. Why not wait until my daughter is old enough to tell the story of when she watched her Mama run THE Boston marathon? I may very well continue at this pace and qualify again but there is so much comfort knowing it's just not the right time , not yet.

Our weekend in Georgia just filled up my cup... race or not. My Mom so bravely held down our fort and the kids had a blast with her in Alaska. We got to catch up with friends that moved from Fairbanks to Georgia last year, I got to meet tons of Columbus Stroller Strong Mamas and watch them crush their own goals, and really just ate a whole lot of chipotle in the sunshine. I couldn't have asked for anything more!

Fairbanks Stroller Strong MOMS SLAMing in Georgia 

Pre race fun! 

First Marathon this year was with Anchorage SLAMers, Second of the year was with my Fairbanks Mamas, and final with the Columbus SLAM. What a gift to have this community from one coast to the other. 

One of my dear friends, first Alaska friend, and neighbor. She also set a new 5k PR WITH a back injury. Love this girl 

I heart MY soldier 

 This is WHY this race matters

Action shot around mile 8

Finishing strong, sore , but strong !

 So happy to see this Mama at the finish line. She beat her 5k goal by 8 minutes? I was blessed to photograph her twice in Fairbanks and of course SLAM with her too! 

My Arizona girl. One of my first Alaska friends that also comes form AZ and her heart is just made of gold, she's grown into such a strong leader and fast boy-mama. Miss you already friend! 

Totally unexpected. To go from my first Marathon here and now finish my 7th over 20 minutes faster and taking first place. Truly and honor. 

 I feel like I just mic dropped myself. Like...that's it ! The work here is done. Everyone keeps asking me what is next and to be honest I have zero goals next year personally as far as running goes . My heart is really set on helping more Moms get moving and reach big goals doing something for themselves . I haven't mapped out how that looks quite yet but I'm going to just keep trusting the lord and follow his lead with it. I truly believe that running and a healthy lifestyle can bring much healing no matter how fast or far you take it . Creatively I'm ready to really start telling stories through my photography . The personal project I've had on hold all year is going to take a big priority next year , I'm sure my next post  ( ending of a season part 2? ) will have plenty of the details.

To everyone that has been part of this journey of 2017 with me ( I would list everyone but I know you're already tired of reading this and it would add at least 4 more minutes) every single one of you is loved and treasured and I couldn't have done it without you.

So that's a wrap . 2017 will forever be the year I let go and gave the glory to the one who deserves it all. The year these Mom x3 legs miraculously moved through three marathons and qualified for the Boston marathon twice in 4 months. May 2018 be filled with lots of precious family memories and being an encourager for other women , showing them that they are stronger than they even know <3

-B

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Georgia > Boston

Last week the Boston Marathon released the emails confirming entrance into the 2017 race. The standards are steep requiring runners to obviously meet a competitive time but then even if you qualify there isn't a guarantee on acceptance. For the past few years runners that were on THE LIST were about 1-2 minutes under qualifying time... considering I finished two and half minutes under my time I was confident and P U M P E D to receive that acceptance email after this long journey reaching this ultimate goal as a runner.

Wednesday morning I was really  practicing patience anxiously enjoying my time with my dear friends at PWOC { women's bible study on Army bases } Something pulled me outside just to check real quick, how fun would it be to celebrate with a few of my friends that have stood and ran beside me along the way? Then the subject line said it all...

" Letter of NON-acceptance"

This year , because of so many applicants and only 23,000 spots for qualified runners, the cut off time was extravagant. Any other year I would have been in but for 2018 runners must have run 3 minutes and 32 seconds FASTER than the required qualifying time. I missed it by an entire minute! 5,000 qualified runners were not accepted for 2018.

I won't lie, in that moment I was devastated. Complete defeat and shock. The sacrifice of this training season was not just my sacrifice but my families and my friends. I was given standards and by the grace of God surpassed those but yet still was not enough. In that moment confusion consumed me. Here I boast about distance running being my peace with the creator, my calm , my time of ultimate quiet and prayer but let anger consume me because of selfish desires.

Throughout the past few months I have had a theme of identity ringing in my soul. I've had countless conversations with friends about exactly this. When we put labels on ourselves  - Wife, Soldier, Runner, Writer, Cook, Gardener, Musician, etc- we are forgetting how easily they can be taken away.

Even the strongest marriages can end in divorce.
A Singer could lose their voice.
A writer can lose inspiration.
A runner can have heart failure.
A War hero can be medically discharged from the military with no career path in place.

Nothing is promised in this life!

And what are we left with when our identity fails us? We are left empty . We are left feeling broken.

Thankfully there is ONE title and one identity that is unfailing -  being the son/daughter of the creator of the universe. We were all made in his perfect image and have been given life to do incredible things , things that we may not even be aware of. Maybe even things that have nothing to do with the identity we have built around ourselves!  Yes I call myself a runner and YES I was proud to add the title " Boston Marathoner" to that identity I've built but in reality it would never have defined me anyways.  I'm made for immeasurably more than the 26.2 miles from Hopkinton to Boylston street and in that I find peace.

After this realization the logistics started flooding in.  This means goodbye to the stress over training for a spring Marathon in -40 degree Fairbanks temperatures ! The Army has my husband in the spring which meant struggling to get a Grandparent to come stay here for several days with the kiddos for me to travel alone to Boston ... again NOT easy.  Beyond all of that I would be traveling from Alaska and have no loved ones to share this once in a lifetime day with.  The hidden blessings in this NON acceptance started slowly pouring in with complete understanding.

Then Friday everything changed.

In 2012 I ran my first marathon. The year prior I had finished the Soldier half marathon in Columbus Georgia which immediately became a favorite because of it's beautiful weather, quick course, military appreciation, and mostly because you run for fallen heroes. At the time I didn't know any soldiers that lost their lives at war so I put a name on my bib belonging to a neighbors' friend . It really meant something to run that day for someone that no longer could .  ( Yes I was 24 weeks pregnant incase you're thinking WOW you sure ate a lot of cupcakes back then... well that's true too )

 2011

 Can we also take a moment to acknowledge my photo editing. I hope that it's come a long way from this. Also the days of ALL the instagram filters!

In June of the following year a friend lost her husband in the first helicopter crash after our husbands' graduated from flight school in Alabama.  Our community was and continues to be broken over it along with several tragic crashes shortly after . Mat Fazzari left behind a beautiful wife, two boys, and a solid foundation of family members in Washington. In moments like that there are no words or actions that are ever enough but to me the only thing I could do was return to the race and run for him, run for all of them.  That year a half marathon wasn't enough it had to be the full even if it meant training during my husbands's deployment . As many of his friends and family that could make it came out to Georgia and ran that day as well including his wife, kids, parents, and former military leaders . There are exactly zero words to describe the emotions and heart poured out by all that day but it is one that will live in my heart forever.

( Top right picture with Kristen... how cool is it that she now lives right here in Fairbanks with us?!  ) 

It became my mission to run every single year after that, even if I never ran another marathon I would  always run soldiers. A couple years it took a plane trip from Arizona, some years a short drive from our home in Alabama, and once a forced Virtual race day when I just couldn't swing childcare to go. The starting line has been shared with military spouse sisters, some of my best friends, my husband, my kids, and even one of my now dearest running friends 3 years before we even met all the way in Alaska !  Shortly after meeting and talking race stories I looked up the results and realized we finished in 2013 just seconds apart. In the photo below Katie was probably crossing the finish line !

2013

2014

2015 (Virtual race ) 

Last Friday they announced this would be the final year of the Soldier Marathon. Again my heart shattered. I understood from behind the scenes why it couldn't continue as a volunteer run event but still.. NO ! Within an hour , without question, my husband had booked our tickets to Atlanta . Traveling from Alaska is no easy trip but for us it's worth it. My Mom is so awesomely able to fly up to spend the weekend with her Grandkids and we are heading to GEORGIA together! Flights books- race registered-on our way November 16. As a military couple we don't ever get even a night away so the fact that every detail about this weekend fell into place is nothing but a Godsend . Can I just say that it takes a VERY AMAZING husband to understand the importance of this and joyfully experience this with me, I mean we could probably fly to Hawaii easier but we're going to Columbus Georgia on our weekend getaway so I can run a marathon ;) He loves me as much as I do him.

Had Boston worked out like I planned none of this would be possible. We couldn't afford plane tickets if I was flying to Boston in the spring, my Mom couldn't come this fall if she was possibly going to help us out in the spring. I wouldn't even be able to leave my sweet kiddos to be honest if I knew I was leaving them again in a few months! Thanks to that qualifier in August and the Equinox marathon last month  I am just going to hop back into a couple weeks of re-training and be good to go.  Every single step of this training season was planned in a way I couldn't even see in the blinding of my own selfish plans , but alas they all turned out GOOD and better than my own.

ALSO I can't leave out that  a sweet military spouse friend of mine here in Fairbanks just happens to be the daughter of the owners of Big Dog Running Company who just HAPPENS to have sponsored and helped organize the event since day one. Our paths crossed every single year but weren't lead together until living in Alaska of all places where we get to run alongside each other- ok she flew by me in the Equinox marathon so not exactly alongside - and serve on a board of spouses together too! You can't make this good stuff up guys.

God is good friends... all the time . He is good.

-B

Cold + Strong

It has been about 4 or 5 years now since discovering the magic of cold brew coffee. I'm sure you have had it at starbucks, your favorite coffee shop, or even at the grocery store but you're totally wasting your money. Cold brew is life-giving therefore it deserves its own blog post 110%. For that many years I have been trying to explain to friends how I make my weekly batch so it just feels right to make a little ( poorly executed ) tutorial so that instead of trying to explain it over a busy toddler from my Mom brain ... I can just direct you here! Viola.

 Cold brew is exactly that. NOO it is not hot coffee put in the fridge- heavy eye roll. Cold brew is STRONG coffee, much lower acidity making it easier on weak stomachs ( HI thats me ), and best of all you can make one large batch and enjoy it all week without making anything. Take that Keurig. 

I am no food/beverage photographer and in fact the idea of taking pictures as you're making things just sounds kind of awful to me, so I do this out of pure love . Your welcome.  I love you so I give you the recipe for life. 

Ingredients:

Large container - I use this 8 cup mason jar because it's cute and can seel

shut 

2 cups ground coffee - When I started this I used to grind espresso beans but too many kids and schedules later I use cheap ground coffee and realized it tastes JUST AS GREAT. Win. 

Mesh Strainer - I either line it with a few paper towels or a cheese cloth shown here 

Bowl -it's helpful to use a bowl that is more narrow that the strainer can rest on.

Water

Directions.

Scoop out two cups of ground coffee throw it in the glass jar. Fill the rest with water. Close lid and let sit out for 24 hours- WHAT?! a whole day? YES. The longer the stronger. You can thank me later. 

After steeping forever you need to strain the coffee out. I use a mesh strainer like this one

Set the strainer over your bowl and be sure to line it to prevent any grounds from falling through. Paper towel is great or cheese cloth if your husband is a recycling crazy person and sheds tears over throwing anything away. 

 Once you've poured it all through cloth or towels ,   squeeze all that golden caffeine right on out. DO not throw coffee in the sink PLEASE. It is really bad for disposals so it's best to throw it away . Even better, I used to make coffee scrubs mixing it with sugar and essential oils... again  back when there were less kiddos and SO much more time.

 What you have now is a concentrate. If you want to get real wild you could drink that BUT it is recommended to mix it with water. The ratio is supposed to be about 1:2 or 1:3 but I tend to just fill the whole jar back up with water and call it a day.

 Cold brew is naturally sweet so I personally don't use any sugar. Dairy doesn't work well with me so my preference is almond milk creamer and lately a splash of pumpkin pie spice because leaves are yellow and that is life.  Sorry I did not clean my kitchen for you...that would just be lying.

 Yum. ENJOY. Be happy. Do all of your awesome things you do!

Fall is for FILM

Oh man you guys, I'm completely 100% hooked on stepping back to film photography right now. I mentioned in a recent post that I inherited my Papa's old cameras which were so fun to play with but I really wanted a vintage camera that I could operate more like the DSLR I'm used to. Recently my sweet professional shopper/ thrifter/ deal finder friend found a vintage Canon AE for a legit steal and she was so kind to let me buy it off of her ( she totally could have used it too, that is loving like Jesus people! ) So a few weeks ago we took it out for a trial run and what better place to go than up to the mountains with my family? It's really a toss up what I love capturing more, people or landscapes, but this roll had a balance of both.

This double exposure was un-intentional but turned out SO lovely I can't get over it. The blend of the mountains and kiddos playing under the Alaska summer sun is perfection to me.

 Alaska grown cabbages are HUGE these were in late July and still had growing to do. 

 The UAF Botanical gardens are such a dream, the colors and array of Alaskan flowers are pure inspiration . I love having images like this to look at in the depth of winter... thinking about how such  beauty can survive and regrow year after year regardless of the -50 temps and days of pure darkness. It is such a reminder to look at these in January and know that there is hope and beauty just under the surface. ALSO the colors that this camera picks up leaves me in such awe. It's so true to life in a way that would take far to long in the editing process for digital cameras, pretty FILM is where it is at.

 A little afternoon over in the white mountains has left me aching to go there every chance we get. It's only 30 minutes from the house but feels like a different world!

   Confession: these were NOT black and white film. The nice thing about digital scans is that you can still tweak them a bit digitally and these were just begging for monochrome. 

Daddy and his favorite lady 

Now these are perfect examples of differences in film and digital as far as how we treat our images. If I shot these on my digital camera with blown out highlights and such OFF skin tones... they would be deleted. But these are GOLD to me and will so be treasured. It gives us time to think about and appreciate the moment's natural tones instead of the technical perfectionism that is so common in the photography world today.

One of the last weeks that the fireweed was really in bloom.

I really wanted to test this 400 film out indoors because technically with an open aperture ( 2.8 on this baby ) and slower shutter indoor,  images should be ok with the right amount of natural light. This was one of the only indoor shots but I think it's pretty spot on and I just LOVE the moment that was captured in just one shot. 

Yet another lesson learned was to remember how many exposures your roll has. Everything else I picked up has 36 shots but this  was only 24, so the last 12 frames that were dreamy images of  sunsets and turning leaves... poof . Gone. Technically never existed. WOOPS! Just another reminder to slow down and pay attention.

I'm in a season of life right now where my physical outlets are taking priorty over the artistic ones and photography has just taken a backseat . I enjoy every single family I'm blessed to work with but the time available to learn and play has been minimal lately . Between the gift of family heirlooms and a timely helpful resource, there is something new to learn and be excited about! As for that resource  CHECK OUT JAX HARMON photography + design on Facebook. Unfortunately I never got to spend time with her locally but purchased her workshop book and swag bag over the summer before her family PCSed and she laid everything out perfectly. Jax is a wealth of knowledge and such an inspiration in the world of Film ! 

So what do you think friends? Would you be willing to step outside the fast paced box of crisp digital  images and book a session that was done entirely on a roll of film? My hope is that by next year this is something we can offer from Believe Studio as a unique session for the families in Fairbanks. 

Until then I'll keep practicing on my people and sharing little bits with you all along the way! The next roll will be all ALASKAN fall goodness and I can not wait, but I will have to, because it's film ;) 

Pretty much how I feel right now just soaking in the colors and grain of this roll... 

- B